I’ve been crowned, filled with lead, had a cadaver bone put in my spine, gone through back shots, knee shots, chiropractor visits, massages, had my boobs squeezed between hard metal, given birth twice, head examined more than once, limped, hopped, snapped, crackled and popped, stared at charts with fuzzy A’s, B’s, and C’s, fake eyes put in, blood pressure go up, sex drive go down, and knots come on me that made me look like a wart hog. And that’s not all. I have a butt load of other issues. Yes, my butt hurts, too.
But, don’t think for a minute that I’m a quitter. I soon began feeling nutty. I was thumbing through some ladies’ magazines and saw a beautiful woman enjoying a bowl of granola loaded with nuts, cranberries, dates and figs. The caption on the picture said, “If you could look like this, wouldn’t you go natural?”
Are you kidding me? If I could look like her, I would go butt naked in the park. But, never mind my fantasy life. I made the decision to befriend herb and his BFF’s, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. I sprinkled flax seed and wheat germ on everything from toast to turnips. I bought vitamins and fruit juice by the case, and ate so much Greek yogurt that I imagined myself to be the Temple Goddess Nutritiona. I ate handfuls of walnuts, pecans, almonds, sunflower seeds and anything that crunched. Then, I fell in love with Dr. Oz, and became neurotic about my blood pressure, waist circumference, kidney and liver function, and dead brain cells. I suppose you could call me a health nut, but most of my friends just call me a nut.