Portion of chapter, “Is There a Dr. in the House?” from my new book

I’ve been crowned, filled with lead, had a cadaver bone put in my spine, gone through back shots, knee shots, chiropractor visits, massages, had my boobs squeezed between hard metal, given birth twice, head examined more than once, limped, hopped, snapped, crackled and popped, stared at charts with fuzzy A’s, B’s, and C’s, fake eyes put in, blood pressure go up, sex drive go down, and knots come on me that made me look like a wart hog. And that’s not all.  I have a butt load of other issues.  Yes, my butt hurts, too.

But, don’t think for a minute that I’m a quitter. I soon began feeling nutty.  I was thumbing through some ladies’ magazines and saw a beautiful woman enjoying a bowl of granola loaded with nuts, cranberries, dates and figs.  The caption on the picture said, “If you could look like this, wouldn’t you go natural?”

Are you kidding me?  If I could look like her, I would go butt naked in the park.  But, never mind my fantasy life. I made the decision to befriend herb and his BFF’s, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.  I sprinkled flax seed and wheat germ on everything from toast to turnips.  I bought vitamins and fruit juice by the case, and ate so much Greek yogurt that I imagined myself to be the Temple Goddess Nutritiona.  I ate handfuls of walnuts, pecans, almonds, sunflower seeds and anything that crunched. Then, I fell in love with Dr. Oz, and became neurotic about my blood pressure, waist circumference, kidney and liver function, and dead brain cells. I suppose you could call me a health nut, but most of my friends just call me a nut.

4 thoughts on “Portion of chapter, “Is There a Dr. in the House?” from my new book

  1. Too funny! But, sadly I can join you in most of your exploits. You ARE much braver than I, never gotten brave enough for the wheat germ on anything. Really am enjoying your articles.

    • Thanks for reading my blog!! I just talked with Linda about getting together tomorrow for my birthday. She was going to call you. Let me know what you decided. Doesn’t matter about my birthday..just want to get the three of us together again…it’s been way too long.

  2. So after reading this I decided to go have some trail mix in your honor—of course my trail mix has peanut butter and white chocolate chips in it also along with the nuts.

    • Thanks for commenting on my post! I don’t get many comments, so great to see that! Yes, it’s all true, unfortunately….great material for a funny book, if you can live through it! me

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